No More People-Pleasing: How Jesus Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Julie sat in her car, gripping the steering wheel in frustration.
She had just agreed—again—to volunteer in kids ministry next Sunday. She felt ashamed to admit she doesn't enjoy kids ministry at all. It leaves her feeling so drained. Plus she's already serving with three other ministry teams in addition to her full time job.
She felt like she was drowning in responsibilities and though her inner tank was running on empty, the thought of saying “no” made her stomach twist.
"What if she gets mad?"
"What if she thinks I’m a selfish person?"
"Am I letting God down?"
Julie sighed. She knew she should set boundaries, but every time she tried, guilt ate her alive.
Can you identify with Julie's story? This is a super common struggle.
Many women, especially those who have endured narcissistic abuse, struggle with people-pleasing. We’ve been trained to keep the peace, avoid upsetting others, and prove our worth through self-sacrifice.
It's entirely possible that conditioning was already in place prior to being in a relationship with a narcissist. It flows from our kind heart and the best of intentions. Exactly the kind of traits a narcissist looks for when he's targeting someone.
If your first narcissist was a parent, people-pleasing was ingrained in you as a survival mechanism. Then when the next narcissist (husband?) came along he simply weaponized it to hold you hostage.
Here’s the cold-fish-slap truth we need to start wrapping our head around:
God never called you to be a doormat. It doesn't honor you, it doesn't honor others, and it certainly doesn't honor Him.
Read that sentence again and let it sink in. Let it challenge your assumptions a bit.
As a Christian we mistakenly think being a doormat IS being Christlike.
The People-Pleasing Trap
People-pleasing often starts as survival.
- If you were criticized for expressing your needs, you learned to put others first.
- If you were punished (in one form or another) for saying no, you started saying yes to everything.
- If you were manipulated through guilt or veiled threats of rejection, you began sacrificing yourself to keep people happy.
Over time, this feels normal—even Christian. After all, doesn’t the Bible say to love others and put their needs above our own?
Yes—but not at the cost of your well-being.
Often we're taking verses out of context of the whole of Scripture when we make this misguided assumption.
Jesus loved people, but He didn’t let them walk all over Him.
Certainly, he lived a sacrificial life but His motivation and purpose in doing so was different than our people-pleasing sacrificing.
His loving sacrifices flowed from a place of abundance within His own soul. He sacrificed from the overflow.
Whereas, we tend to sacrifice from our own emptiness and insecurities.
Please don't receive this as judgement. We've all been there. I share this in love because I know the truth will set you free.
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✨Introducing a New Kind of Training
I’ve paused the free Masterclasses to make room for something more intentional: High-impact, interactive workshops designed to help you break free from the residue of narcissistic abuse — one stronghold at a time.
Focused topics.
Real transformation.
Affordable access.
Interested? Click the button below.
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How Jesus Set Boundaries Without Guilt
If anyone had a reason to be a people-pleaser, it was Jesus. Crowds followed Him everywhere, demanding miracles, attention, and time. He had great compassion for their pain.
But Jesus never let their expectations control Him.
Here’s how He modeled healthy, God-honoring boundaries:
Jesus Said No.
- When people begged Him to perform miracles on demand, He refused (Luke 23:8-9).
- When religious leaders tried to trap Him with their expectations, He didn’t conform (Mark 3:1-6).
- We're allowed to and encouraged to say no—even to “good” things—if it’s not what God is leading you to do. That's the litmus test. (Are you getting in God's way of His work in someone else?)
Jesus Walked Away.
- When people rejected His message, He didn’t beg them to stay. He moved on (Matthew 10:14).
- When a toxic and misguided crowd rejected Him and tried to kill Him, He simply walked away from the situation (Luke 4:28-30).
- Walking away isn’t failure and it's not hurting others—it’s wisdom. Not everyone deserves access to you.
Jesus Prioritized Rest.
- Even though people needed Him, He withdrew to quiet places to pray (Luke 5:16).
- He slept during storms while others panicked (Mark 4:38).
- Rest is not laziness or selfishness—it’s obedience and it's absolutely necessary. If Jesus needed time alone, so do you.
Jesus Didn’t Try to Please Everyone.
- Some loved Him, others hated Him. He focused on His mission, not public approval (John 6:66-67).
- Your personal worth and the value of what you offer the world isn’t measured by how many people approve of you.
- People are fickle. They can approve of you today and not tomorrow, no matter how hard you try to serve and please them.
If Jesus—who was perfect—didn’t please everyone, why do you assume you have to?
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✨Introducing a New Kind of Training
I’ve paused the free Masterclasses to make room for something more intentional: High-impact, interactive workshops designed to help you break free from the residue of narcissistic abuse — one stronghold at a time.
Focused topics.
Real transformation.
Affordable access.
Interested? Click the button below.
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Your Freedom Starts Here
People-pleasing is exhausting. But you don’t have to live that way anymore.
- Jesus didn’t try to please everyone, and neither should you.
- Saying no doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you healthy.
- Your worth isn’t in what you do for others. It’s in who you are in Christ.
You are allowed to rest, walk away, and set boundaries—without guilt.
You may recognize the truth in this intellectually, but if you're struggling with boundaries the issue is within your own soul.
The starting point for lasting change is to focus on healing your heart from the root of where people-pleasing flows from. Then renouncing the falsehoods and assumptions you've come into agreement with.
I can help you with this process. It will set you free!
📝 Journaling Prompt:
Where in your life are you overextending yourself out of fear? What do you assume will happen if you politely say no? These fears can have such a strong grip on us because of what we've experienced in the past. Where does your heart need healing?
Go Deeper - In what ways have you trained people to expect you will always say yes? What can you begin changing in this area? Where did you learn that your needs are irrelevant?
🙏 Prayer for Strength:
Lord, give me the courage to set boundaries like Jesus did. Help me to experience your love and acceptance in a fresh way that comforts and reassures me. Help me to trust that my worth is found in You, not in pleasing people. Help me be ok allowing others to take responsibility for their own emotions if they get irritated when I say no, rather than trying to appease them. Teach me to walk in truth and and your gracious strength.